This is Part One of the You Were So Brave to Tell Me series.
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Sweetheart! Oh, come here, you.
Ooooooooooh, this feels so good. I have wanted to put my arms around you since the moment I read your letter.
How are you?
Yeah?
C’mere, we can sit and talk. Is that okay?
Here on the couch, so I can be near you. You’re totally safe. I just want to hold this gorgeous hand of yours while I look in your gorgeous eyes.
[laughing] Oh, now, come on, you brought this on yourself. You did say in your letter that you appreciate how much affection I show you. So now you’re gonna get buckets of it.
Uh-huh, that’s right.
You’re safe with me, sweetheart.
There they are. Those eyes. Wow.
It makes me so happy to look in your eyes. It really does. To know that out of all the women in the whole world, I’m the only one who gets to sit with you like this, holding your hand and looking in your eyes.
How did I end up with you? I must have done something right.
I’m so proud that you’re my man.
No, I mean it, from the bottom of my heart.
What do you mean?
Well, yes, okay, I am saying these things because . . . after I read your letter, I thought you would want to hear me say them. But they’re still true.
I would never, ever lie to you. Everything I’m saying is the truth.
Sweetheart, look in my eyes.
This is me. This is how I feel. This is my heart.
How could I not be proud of you? I have seen you stand up for people when they were being hurt. I’ve seen you defend what you think is right when everyone else was against you. I’ve seen how much of yourself you invest in the things you believe in. And I’ve seen how far you will go to take care me when I need it, just like I take care of you.
You are the strongest, bravest man I have ever known.
And if you’ve got mixed feelings right now, that’s totally okay. I get it.
When I tell you how I feel, I don’t need you to respond in some perfect, “right” way. The real you is the man that I care about, not some fantasy man who always has the “perfect” feelings and the “perfect” responses.
I don’t want a puppet. I want you, the real you, however you feel.
From what you wrote in your letter I can totally understand why you would have mixed feelings right now.
No, it’s okay, please don’t apologize. You never need to apologize for being the person you really are.
Mm-hmm.
I’m so glad to hear that.
Right.
Well, like I said when I texted you, there are some things I wanted to say . . . about what you shared with me in your letter. Is it okay if I go ahead?
Thanks. And any time you need to say something, you just speak up, okay?
Well, first I want to say how sorry I am to hear that these terrible things happened to you. I know that you already know this, but I still feel it’s important for me to say that what they did to you was horribly wrong, and it was not your fault in any way, and you have nothing to be ashamed of.
They’re the ones who have something to be ashamed of. What they did to you is . . . sick . . . and detestable. And however they try to hide it, and whatever mask they may wear in front of the world, they can never wash that stain off their hands.
But your hands . . . [kiss] . . . your hands are clean. [kiss]
And gorgeous. [kiss kiss]
You are so welcome.
Second, I wanted to say how honored I feel that you shared this with me. I know it was super painful for you to have to explain it all. I mean, how could it not be?
Right.
And I’m sure it must have been really scary to disclose this to me, because you couldn’t be sure how I would respond.
Right, I get it.
But as painful and scary as it was, you did it, and you did it for me. You did it because you wanted to be fair to me, so I would know what I was getting into, in our relationship. And you did it because you respect me as a person – you knew I could tell there was something like this going on with you, and you wanted to be honest with me. And you did it because you trust me, and you wanted me to really know you.
And I am just so honored and humbled by all that. Thank you.
It’s so important to me to know that I have a man who cares so much about treating me right, and respecting me as a person, and who trusts me. And I will always, always strive to do the same thing for him.
Which actually is my next thing I want to say.
I want you to really hear my heart in this, okay?
I . . . am totally . . . and completely . . . ALL IN . . . to support you and give you what you need.
You described in your letter some of the ways you thought it would be challenging for me to be with someone who is struggling with the issues you are struggling with. And that took a lot of maturity on your part. Which is just another thing that makes me so proud to be with you.
So I have thought about it carefully. And I have tried to really count up the cost in my heart. But the more I think about it, all the problems and challenges we would face together, the more my heart just wants to go all in with you, and take whatever comes.
You said in your letter that you sometimes have flashbacks, where you re-live what happened to you, and that it can be embarrassing when it happens in public. And I’m sure even when it happens in private, it must still be painful and frustrating. Well, I want to be the girl who goes through that embarrassment and frustration alongside you. Because although it may be hard, it won’t be nearly as hard for me as for you.
And I want my face to be the first thing you see when it’s over. I want to be here waiting for you. Every time I possibly can.
You also said you sometimes feel unsafe, especially when we get . . . close . . . because your heart has learned that the people close to you will hurt you. So when you and I get close, I may need to remind you that you’re safe – which I’ve been trying to do, I hope I’m doing it well…
Good. I’m so glad. Please tell me if I need to do things differently, okay?
Okay.
And I understand what you said, that this reminding you you’re safe might feel unfair to me, because you feel like you’re treating me like I’m not trustworthy. Like I’m the one who has hurt you in the past, when I’m not. I get that.
But sweetheart, you were right when you said that I’m a super affectionate person! I love to pour all my caring and my positive vibes into you. To me, telling you that you’re safe doesn’t feel unfair, it’s just another way I can be affectionate toward you.
You’re completely safe with me, and you always will be – and I love to say that to you, because I care about you.
That’s right.
Now . . . I’m not gonna lie, I will always tell you the truth, this next part is painful for me. Just like I know it must be painful for you. You said that it can be difficult for you to believe that you really make me happy, or that I genuinely care about you. Not because you legitimately doubt my feelings, but because your heart has learned to always distrust other people’s affections.
Because of the things they did to you.
I can’t even imagine what that must be like.
It makes me so angry. What they did to you. What they did to my strong, brave, beautiful man.
[she takes a deep breath in and out]
But listen. I am going to use that anger to fight for you. To fight for your heart. The terrible things that they did to you are trying to take your heart away from me. And I’m not going to let them.
We’re not going to let them.
We are going to fight for your heart, together. And no matter what it costs, we are going to win.
Now, I know it will be a long fight. This is a war, not just a single battle. And it may never be over.
That’s okay. As long as we keep fighting, we win. The only way we can lose is if we stop fighting.
And the only thing I ask is to know that you are in this fight beside me. Because I can win this fight with you, and I am damn well going to do it, but I can’t win this fight for you.
I can’t be all-in unless you’re all-in too.
Now, whatever boundaries you need, I will always respect them. You never need to justify them to me. Just tell me what the boundaries are, and whatever they are, they are.
All I need to know is that you are fighting with me. To take your heart back from the darkness.
I know.
I know you are.
[emotional] We will do it together.
[holding back tears] Sweetheart, I am so proud of you.
I know I keep saying how strong and brave you are. And I have felt that way about you since the first time I met you. But only now do I know where all that amazing strength comes from.
And like I said, whatever boundaries you need, that’s okay.
But . . . I can see how you’re feeling right now. And I need you to know that there is nothing you can show me that would change the way I feel about you.
I will always see that strength in you. Nothing you show me would change that.
It’s . . . it’s okay to let it out.
Sweetheart, it’s okay. Come here and let me hold you. And let it out.
You’re the strongest, bravest man I’ve ever known.
Hell, you wrote that whole letter, went through all that pain, faced all that fear, and you did it for me.
You did it all for me!
You are my damn HERO.
And if my hero needs to cry, he can cry all he wants. And if anyone has a problem with that, I’ll kick their ass and make them cry.
Okay? Okay?
Come here. Let it out.
[sound of her hand rubbing his back]
It’s okay. It’s okay.
I know. It’s okay. Let it out.
[sound of her hand rubbing his back]
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[whispering] It’s okay, sweetheart. I’ve got you. Let it out.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
[sound of her hand rubbing his back]
I’ve got you. I’ve got you.
I know. Everything is going to be okay.
[sound of her hand rubbing his back]
I know. I’m here. You’re safe.
Isn’t that better? Been holding that in for a while, huh?
You know, when I read your letter, I knew exactly why you wrote it down instead of telling me in person. Your ladyfriend here is not just a pretty face! I could see what was going on.
And that’s totally okay. Like I said, I respect your boundaries.
But I’m so glad that you let me support you this way.
I’m here for you, whenever you need.
I’m so proud of you.
I’m proud of the strong man you’ve made yourself into, surviving all these years.
We are going to fight this war together. And we are going to win.